NOT SORRY: Steak and Gossip

"There's this terrible myth that Canadians are funny."

Remember last year when all this was llamas and dresses? The Internet has peaked and it’s time to give up this failed project.

BuzzFeed editor and caps lock fan Scaachi Koul put out a fairly standard call for diverse submissions but she did it in a funny way and white men reacted with feelings and vitriol as is their custom. So she left Twitter and is probably hanging out on Facebook, which seems like the real tragedy. It’s hard to feel anything but sad that the National Post’s Christie Blatchford has to record a video responding to her ‘critics’ who say “No one hates women quite like Christie Blatchford.” Unless of course this leads to Barbara Kay responding to my request for her to adopt me.

Aside from the conversation on abuse on Twitter, it also sparked a conversation about diversity in media. There is none! Next topic! Actually, it’s hard to talk about diversity without statistics. It’s like using the fact that planes are landing at Pearson as proof of immigration. Even the University of Toronto is committing to measuring diversity. So even though counting is hard and I’m a girl, I managed to add up the women on political panels. There are some! Next topic!

I’m in Ottawa right now and I am just a girl standing on a street corner waiting for the Prime Minister and his security detail to walk into me. I’ve been enjoying my adventures around Parliament but I’m sad to have missed the era of off-the-record gossip at Hy’s Steakhouse. On the Hill, a Conservative MP tabled a motion to stop the Canada Revenue Agency from engaging in such harmful behaviors like collecting taxes which would free them up to take on a new hobby. There was also some confusion over which woman they got to do a woman’s job. The government also kicked a woman off their secret shipbuilding committee/He-Man Woman Hater’s Club.

What you won’t be seeing from the legislature is any immediate action on legalizing weed despite the Liberal party’s close ties to one Mr. Snoop Dogg. The world is so ready for Andray Domise to market a strain of weed called That ‘Dray Dro. Or to start a bakery of weed edibles called &ray’s Patoisserie.

If you’re on the hunt for some heroes, look no further than the hunter who made pants out a fox. I can barely make a pair of pants from legal currency and an entire shopping mall. Can we nominate for the Victoria Cross the teenager who fashioned a weapon out of bacon and eggs like some sort of diner-based survivalist? You also have to be kind of impressed by this man’s fully funded racism and sexism from beyond the grave. He would be so angry to see two gay Canadian sailors make out; he’d probably have a heart attack and die so we must re-animate his corpse. In other Vexed White Man news, chief Rebel yeller Ezra Levant has applied to resign from the law profession. Technical question: can they keep him?


Not Sorry is written by Vicky Mochama which you should really know by now. What, are you new here? Support CANADALAND. Subscribe. @ Us.

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